WARNING: The following entry will seem depressing as hell to most people. Deal with it. This is my life and my web page. Thank you.
I am used to suffering a major bout of depression a few days before Christmas. What I am not used to is suffering that bout two weeks beforehand.
It seems the cloud wants to wrap me up in its muzzy strands early this year. I drove to work in a daze this morning, sometimes crying, sometimes completely apathetic and not really caring if I ran off the road. It is usually around Christmas that all the things I’ve had to deal with throughout my life claw their way back to the forefront and hit me like a freight train. Well, everything hit this morning.
There aren’t many things that I’ve told people. Most people know one or two of the things that I’ve had to deal with. This is my forum and I need to let some things out.
I often hold things in until I’m ready to explode, and then I end up bawling on the kitchen floor with only a confused cat for company.
I’ve had a lot to deal with in my life. Most of it within the past 11 years, so most is still somewhat fresh in my mind. My parents loved me (and still do!), and most of the time they supported me, so at least in that aspect, things were good…the majority of my friends came from divorced families, and I considered myself lucky.
But there was much that I hid from them.
Rape. Two attempted rapes. One boyfriend tried to strangle me to death. My best friend murdered…her killer got off with a minimum sentence because he was a family friend. Abuse at the hands of a few different men. Mental abuse. The suicide of someone extremely close to me.
The older I got, the more tenuous my hold on my sanity became. I started cutting. The way my mind was working, the physical pain was much easier to deal with than the mental pain.
And then the panic attacks started. Life started closing in around me. I started seeing a shrink. She was absolutely no help at all. (Maybe that could be why I haven’t paid her one red cent!)
So I talked to my regular physician and he put me on an anti-depressant. It’s been almost a month now, and it doesn’t seem to be working as well as it should.
I’m just glad that I’m not as bad off as some people I know.
Happy fuckin’ holidays.